Life Updates—I’m not dead yet, people!

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The weather out there supported me to be all lazy and reckless inside my house, like right now, I am trying to write a little thoughts that has been going around in my mind everyday from my comfortable couch. And also, although the early September weather is being all breezy and cold and rainy, it doesn’t stop me from drinking (and enjoying) the iced tea I just made; and it took me a moment to stop touching my keyboards and slurping it before the ice melted because that would be a major nightmare.
Firstly, I would like to apologize for my absent (again). I never expected High School could be this stressful to be honest. As a matter of fact, I’m trying not to die of assignments, presentations, quiz, and tests, here and there, this and that, and most importantly to do the best I could. I seriously cannot wait for New Year’s long days off.
As usual, finding authenticity will always be my biggest problem. I have had inner battle with myself for past weeks and I still can’t figure out my choice. Should I leave, or shouldn’t I? I have excuses for each options, both pro and cons. The benefit on each options are even equally valuable. And if I got time to write about this subject, I would literally spent hours to months worth of thinking and wondering, which in this personal case, is not really even important.
I have been experiencing a lot of new stuff. Like: I was joining a German class in my school. but only God and I who know why I did not really like it there so I chose to quit and I feel comfortably better for myself—let me tell you, I actually have the benefit for myself that I have improved my German language, so I can be a good-tourist when I visit German one day;
beforehand, I signed up in my school’s percussion group and joined the lesson twice yet again I felt discontented with my choice, so yea, I’m out;
Next (this one is going to be good), I finally developed my disposable films! I was very excited to get it done but sadly, out of 36 of pictures I have taken with my Fujica analog camera, just a few that successfully printed out (insert multiple sad emojis). But the three of them were not even disappointing at all which I think I am going to share them out of my Instagram later.
I met so many new people in my life, and missing the old ones also. The time I did a quick meet up with Harris and Zara were weeks ago where we were exchanging some books (Zara with her poetries, Harris’ and mine Kinfolks and some other stuff), and I can’t wait to have another hours conversations with them—which always been worth every seconds.
Did I ever tell you about my upcoming project with my dearest friend, Harris? I don’t think if I did. But I will. Soon. Promise.
There are even more countless of things I’m excited about! I might admit that—I have reasons why I am happy with my life these days. Good things are on their way, I wonder what will happen next? Whooopie!
♥Zehr

 

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Why Can’t I Choose?

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Back at it again to my daily schedule where school is waiting and I get to move my ass to the new place where people are trying to show the good sides of themselves.

And here I am, chillin’ to some good tracks by Billie Marten. It really is a long time since my last post here on the blog. I must say that life has been a pretty great lesson for me these days. Learning about why and when were quite a mission for me after struggling with a lot of tears and throwing stuffs away. But I think— maybe (just maybe) write a few speculations might help me to move on?

It came to the point where I couldn’t even do the things that make me happy. I didn’t know if I still the same person or not. I didn’t even do too much talking like I used to and not laugh as much as usual.

It’s been stopping me from doing the stuff I enjoy, including instagram and any other forms of social media. Reading million of inspirational quotes were not really helped me at all, because of the fact that society had been disappointing me again and again.

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Why am I writing such an inarticulate statements up there? well…

First, I failed to get into my ‘most wanted’ high school because some people tried to cut me off of it and they did. I can state; that I feel very disadvantaged. I felt extremely disapointed with myself of course, even though I shouldn’t be. I couldn’t accept it and it brought me through hard times, I’m sorry.

Like I said, the society keeps testing me. Here, people keep disappoint me with the way they behave every-damn-day and I’m sick of it. I think it is only the chapter where I am becoming more mature and taking a few steps of being a 15 years old teenager.

They keep playing the lottery game of life. Still, everyone wants to win. Including me. The difference is that, the only thing they gotta do to make the probability of losing the game become smaller is to cheat. Dear kid, the probability of you going to hell is also become so much bigger, just sayin’.

Afterward, I don’t get why— people think it is cool and full of pride and glory to win something unfairly. Because what they did back there, is a pretty cut-throat  thing to do.

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Why can’t I choose to have my own life? Like, live alone at some loft apartment in downtown of New York City and have an important job as a creative director in some fashion houses,

…or live with some of my favorite people in a pastel house in England, or maybe live by the beach somewhere in California. Even more exciting, to have a well-balanced life and live in Scandinavian space.

Maybe just not to surrounded by close-minded people who always try to find the wrong way to escape. Doesn’t it will make life a lot more easier? I believe. In the other hand, I believe if I ever had that kind of life, I would die with completely nothing to be proud for. I need my ups and downs. After so many time of exchanged thoughts with my dad, mom, and also my fellow friends; I knew I have chosen so many options and preferences. I picked to get a life, and God knows how long it will take for me to gain my reward. I want to share my experience in life. That’s why I made this site; even though there is still uncountable things I need to learn about it all. And I thank you all (or whoever) that have been keeping up with me and all the shit that still happens in my life, also my friends for being very supportive. I’m grateful for everything 🙂

♥Zehr.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

 photo credit: tumblr.com

Since I had been over-thinking a lot lately, I think it’s okay to write some personal thoughts here as I’m trying my best to write down everything in mind like a normal 15 years old kid ways. Besides, it’s all about body-image and that kind of stuff. But it’s important to me and all kids my age.

And if I want to express about it all in what myself would, it would go for some points like these —

I. Good things take time. Yup, it is. For me, It’s important to notice that we live within time even it just seems like a concept.

Something or someone might ruin your good mood once in a day, so just try to get over it already before you look in the mirror and tell yourself that it is now your bad day. And if I say that I understood the clarity of ‘waiting for the right time’ here I would be completely lying.

I am 15 years old. I am only a teenager. I still need to learn about things relate to this because I often compare myself to others without realize what I had now. I may be seem like a full-time happy person (my friends mostly call me that, it makes them jealous of me because honestly I always laugh whenever I’m with them, literally).

I call myself as an openbook person, but deep down I have my own problem that need to be solved. I just think it’s fun to not think about your problem so much.

When you’re with your friend, try to forget it for a while because you don’t want to lose the moment with your friend. All you have to do is to laugh. Laugh as loud as you want, it removes the pain. I’m trying to be a good role model right now, trust me. 😉

II. Start with body acceptance. Body love will come. I must say, that for some reasons I feel satisfied with my own body. I mean If I don’t, who will? I get this stuff very overwhelmingly boring whenever I hear a girl complaining about how ‘fat’ or ‘skinny’ she was. It came from yourself and there’s nothing wrong about it though.

I read so much about body image, there’s something about it that makes me interested. Again, I find it pretty hard to put into words and the more I write, It seems like I get more and more cliché in every words I wrote. So here you go.

Okay, maybe sometimes I get frustrated over my heights but it means nothing like it was only a joke of a numbers. I am a little less than 160cm right now. Who am I kidding, that is very short compared to the people I hang out with. But they are different and me too. There are some girls at my school that don’t feel as happy as I am with my body.

I mean, it’s no big deal if you feel insecure about something. I feel insecure a lot. I’m insecure by wondering how do I look like today, tomorrow, and next days ahead. I’m insecure about what other people think of me which is not important at all. I’m even insecure about the acne on my face whenever I’m about to get my period.

But that’s okay, because it’s how the nature works and makes you human for it, and it’s beautiful too. One time I read a novel and it said:

“Bukankah tidak masuk akal bahwa dia tidak pernah diizinkan untuk menentukan bagaimana penampilannya? Dia hanya sekadar “ditimpa” penampilan seperti itu. Dia memang dapat memilih kawan-kawannya sendiri, tapi jelas dia tidak dapat memilih dirinya sendiri. Dia bahkan tidak memilih menjadi manusia.”

 It was translated to Bahasa. So here’s the english version:

“Isn’t it strange that she couldn’t decide her appearance? She just “had” that appearance. She indeed can choose whoever she wants to be friend with, but she was clearly couldn’t choose herself. She didn’t even choose to be a human.”

This text is directed to whoever reads my so-unorganized stuff in this blog. Whether you’re male or female or anything in between. I hope it’s perfectly cleared out my point because I got a little confused when I re-preview this text, sorry 🙂

III. Believe it or not, it’s my life. Let me live it, thanks. I think people will never let you be as free as you always wanted. Unless if you really escape and gone to nowhere and dying alone.

The more you tell them what’s in that little head of yours, the more they have something to be spoken. In my opinion, it depends on whether is good or not for those people you’re talking to. I mean, not just judging but they can also appreciating.

For every moment in my life, yes — I always count on something. I want to change that for some reasons. And yes — every once in a while, I must say that life really is suck. I’ve survived several traps of my life and there is still more than I have ever imagined waiting for me untill my finish line.

Because it’s my life. My own book. And I am pretty sure I can write it on my own from now 😉 I will also be grateful to receive any help from every nice people surround me. We surely can’t live alone, like literally alone, can we?

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Okay, from this long-long article I hope that whoever read this from wherever you are to understand that you’re not defined by the amount of attention you get every-goddamn-day from males or females. You’re not your skin color. You’re not your weights nor your heights. You’re not the cool clothes or the vintage attire you wear everyday. Well, even though it gets me rarely, Hahaha

But you are how the way you enjoy your life. And your body is part of it. Of course you’ve gotta love middle/high school because that is where you get your impression about how fake people are.

Let alone, I’d bet anything that you’re one of them sometimes. I think it is part of nature, and that’s just what some people do for living.

Like all humans, I keep secret to myself, I have insecurities, I have ego and am selfish for my own good. Furthermore, I have all these characters that built me as me.

Zahra Aulia- December, 2015

-2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 22 minutes ago was the end of 2015 in Indonesia. I’m writing here while my heart is still beating so fast because of the noises out there. As usual, I don’t go out somewhere special for new years eve. I think my house is the most comfortable place for new year celebration!

So up there were what I’ve seen 26 minutes ago (what the hell I just wasted 4 minutes?!). I’m very sorry for bad quality because I forgot to switched the image resolution on my camera, oops. So, once again.. BONNE ANNÉE EVERYONE!!!!! BRING IT ON 2016!!!!!

P.S. I’ll be sharing my 2015 recap, and 2016 resolutions and more.